House of the Dead 2 (2005)

Alright, I wasn’t planning on doing another one of these so soon, but the other night I came home just totally vaped, I wanted nothing more than to flop on the couch and look at flickery lights. Seemed a good time to suck down another terrible movie.

House of the Dead 2 came out in 2005, which was the same year Alone In The Dark was released  … so we at least can be assured that Uwe Boll was otherwise occupied at the time and won’t be at the helm of this one. HOWEVER! Apparently Boll directed the first House of the Dead. Not shockingly it sports a 4% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Is this any better? I dunno, I didn’t see the first one. If it’s anything like Boll’s Alone In The Dark, however, the difference for me was that House Of The Dead 2 is more “bad in a colorful, over the top” way than AITD’s “bad in an incredibly boring and flavorless way.” So yeah, I guess slightly better. Still crap, though.

The first ten minutes of the film are perhaps the most classy ten minutes of cinema ever. We witness some sort of Tactical Sexual Assault: Pervy Ops by a frat on some sorority house. Just for fun let’s count the number of criminal offenses casually commited here:

1) Indecent exposure

2) Home invasion

3) Simple assault. Possible escape clause since they seem to be enjoying it. Of course, only in a B-movie director’s fantasy does it play out that way.

4) Theft

5) This one is tricky. I had to actually do some research. If you’ve already commited forcible entry, and then you film someone having sex, is that an extra charge by itself or just lumped in with the home invasion? Some states seem to have criminal invasion of privacy laws, some don’t. “Invasion of privacy” by itself is usually just a tort (a matter for civil suit only.) I’m sure legal scholars are hotly debating this movie and will be for quite some time.

This is also a good time to mention that the Lead Frat Boy’s master plan here was to get laid by this hot girl, then in the middle, have his associates bust in and get a topless pic of her. Leaving him blueballed and minus one source of booty. Brilliant strategy, Napoleon.

Oh, I should also mention that this first ten minutes is absolutely laden with bare silicone titties, which I’ve dutifully avoided showing for those of you browsing from work or the library. Enjoy ’em while you can because it’s nothing but gross zombie boobs for the rest of the movie.

And we cap things off with random vehicular homicide on the poor girl who just got violated.


The guy driving the car is some creeper professor who somehow has some secret lab where he’s testing a T-virus type thing that reanimates the dead. Apparently he thought killing this girl out of the blue then testing his zombie serum on her would be a totally unproblematic plan. So this takes place at Boston University basically.

Creeper Prof’s plan of course quickly gets out of hand and soon we have a college full of zombies. We’re then introduced to our two STARS member main characters, agents for some covert zombie hunting team. They’re teaming up with the laziest commando squad ever to infiltrate the campus and try to find the “1st generation” zombie, who’s blood they need to make a vaccine for the zombie-itis or something. I didn’t take a video of this, but when you’re introduced to the crack commando team, in the background there’s like a bunch of fat extras doing the laziest Dolomite karate to each other, it’s great.

The rest of the movie is exploration of the zombie-infested campus as Lazy Ops predicatbly gets picked off one by one, leaving our STARS heroes alone in the end to save the day.

During this scene they keep cutting between the girl and guy’s faces as they talk. From this angle, he’s got zombie blood all over his face … but when they cut back to the other shot, it’s been cleaned off. They do this like 3 or 4 times without noticing. Top level editing.

Not much else to say about this one. It’s better than a Boll picture but only marginally. At least this one has a sense of humor and throws you some titties here and there to keep you awake, though the meaty middle portion of Lazy Ops combing the school is largely pretty boring and uneventful.

On the positive side the zombie makeup was actually pretty good. In the credits, there’s also a guy named Chuck Speed. So there’s that at least.

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